


misunderstandings

by Pegggy21



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Artist Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Bear - Freeform, Depressed Steve Rogers, Fuck Cannon, Gay Panic, Getting Back Together, Hurt Steve Rogers, M/M, No Sex, Post Black Panther, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve Rogers is Not a Virgin, Virgin Steve Rogers, cannon fix it, endgame doesn't exsists, figuring that gay shit out, fixing cannon, forgetting they were together, fuck marvel, its okay, let my boys be together damnit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:20:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23398375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pegggy21/pseuds/Pegggy21
Summary: Steve is hurt in battle and some awful truths come out. (the ending is happy i swear)
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 6
Kudos: 278





	misunderstandings

The Avengers sat on the quinjet in somber silence. They may have won the battle but it was at a cost. Natasha was nursing a broken arm and possibly ribs, Tony definitely had a concussion, Sam was sporting too many deep bruises to count, Wanda’s wrist was broken, and, well, you get the point. Broken bones and bruises that will take weeks if not months to heal all around. Then there was Steve.

Steve was leaning against the wall blinking slowly, his eyes unfocused. The mutant they had been fighting had spat something into his face and beaten Steve to a pulp. His mind seemed to be caught somewhere else, the team couldn’t make him respond. As they landed Thor (the least hurt out of everyone with just a few cuts) half picked Steve up and they all headed to medical. The doctors quickly figured out that the mist was supposed to knock the person out, but due to Steve’s immune system it had only made him semi-catatonic. They suggested that the team watch Steve until he regained his senses and then have him come back for a check. Nat rolled her eyes, as if Steve would willingly come in for a check.

So they went to the common rooms. Tony wobbled onto the love seat and waited for Pepper to join him, Nat and Thor got Steve to sit in a plush chair and pointed him at the tv. Bruce, usually one for good ideas, brought out a bottle of vodka and took a shot. One thing led to another and soon everyone was mostly drunk. Through the haze of alcohol they remember that they are watching Steve. He still sat in his chair blinking at them, but his eyes had begun to track their movements. Nat wondered aloud how someone so hot could still be a virgin. The team chuckled and Tony added that no amount of setting Steve up would help, Steve seemed set on dying without having given it up. Their conversation devolved and little and Steve became more alert. He groggily asked why they’re talking about his sex life and Sam leans in, whispering:

“It's because we love you man, we want to get you laid at least once in your life!” There is a general agreement from the room and the elevator dinged quietly. James, as Bucky wants to be called these days, walked out slowly. His hair is still damp from a shower, his white tank top tight across his chest, his sweatpants laying far too low on his hips for decent society. Steve was entranced. He watched a drop of water run down the plates of Bucky’s arm, catches the quick sweep of the room that Bucky always does now, sees the way his flesh hand tightens at the sight of the avengers all tipsy in the living room.  
“James! Perfect, you can help give us the answer! Why won’t Steve let someone, anyone, deflower him?” Tony flipped himself dramatically over the arm of the chair, his head floating without alcohol.

“I don’t see why it’s any of my business why he isn’t bedding every woman you all throw at him.” Steve turns sharply to Bucky, his floating brain trying to wake up.

“James- do-“ Steve's heart begins to beat too fast, “Do you think I’m a virgin too?” His blue eyes seem to be dimming to grey as he asks, he can feel the hope that Bucky was in there somewhere rushing away.

“Why would I think anything else, Rogers? Not like I had anything to do with it.”

And there it was. Steve blinked, struck dumb. His mind racing to all the times Bucky, his Bucky, had kissed him senseless. The first time they had made love after his mother had died and Steve had almost passed out. The first time Steve had been healthy enough to top Bucky. His eyes stung, the room was too small. Everything was too loud. The movie was blaring, someone was giggling in his ear, his clothes were too tight. Bucky didn't remember that they were together. Steve stood, his breath coming out choked, and he ran. 

The world continued to close as he made it to his rooms. He ripped his hospital shirt off gasping, begging for air. He made it to his bed. There, there was the last thing he had of his Bucky’s. The first Bucky Bear. He snatched it off the bed and pulled it to his chest as he slid to the floor. His throat ached with the sobs he was trying to hold back. His eyes felt like they were being burned from the hot tears spilling down his face. Of all the things HYDRA had done, of all the things they had taken from him, to take this was too much to bear. 

When Bucky had distanced himself from Steve and asked to be called James Steve had endured. He had been happy that James was even alive, was even trying to put himself back together. Steve had known that he triggered something in James, some days Steve had to stay in his rooms so James could function, it got so bad. But this? Steve hadn’t expected, hadn’t prepared for this. A world where James Buchanan Barnes didn’t know that he was the only person that Steve had ever loved like that wasn’t one Steve wanted to live in. A world where James mocked him for not loving anyone else wasn’t something Steve could handle. Steve’s heart was already so tender, so broken, this last blow made him feel as if he was coming apart at the seams.

…

Bucky watched Steve literally run away and something stirred in his chest. It had been happening more and more often now. His head was coming back together one memory at a time. He was trying. When he had started all of this being around Steve was like being naked in the ice again. Steve’s hope seemed to poke and prod at every advance James made, no matter how gentle and kind was. Steve was the epitome of kind and had given James space when he had asked. James had seen the light begin to leave Steve’s eyes then. James had begun to watch Steve after that.  
He noticed Steve acted more like Captain America than his old friend. Steve used to curse like a- well a soldier, now he called others out for ‘language’. Bucky’s Steve would draw on any paper within reach if he was sitting down for more than two seconds. James hadn’t seen Steve touch a pencil. Steve’s smile was fake most of the time. His eyes remained ice blue, not turning the warm ocean color they usually did. He zoned out, and jumped when someone called his name or touched him. His Steve was hiding behind the facade of the Captain and Bucky wasn’t sure why. Bucky had turned and followed Steve before he really thought about it.

As soon as Bucky entered Steve’s floor he heard it. Steve was crying like the world was ending. Great heaving sobs that no matter how hard you try cannot be shoved down. Bucky followed the sounds until he got to Steve’s bedroom and he entered. Bucky’s heart ached at the sight before him. Steve was sitting on the floor with his back against the bed clutching a bear, his legs drawn up to his chest. He was curled so tightly into himself Bucky could almost believe he was still small. Bucky cautiously took a step forward. He gently sat next to Steve and put a hand on Steve’s shoulder, rubbing gently.  
“Steve, what happened? Can you breathe for me? Nice and deep, in and out, follow me.” Bucky wasn’t sure if this was a panic attack but Steve did need to be breathing better than he was. 

Steve took a huge hiccuping breath and leaned into Bucky’s hand slightly. After a few moments Steve seemed to calm down enough to realize who was sitting next to him. He turned to Bucky and his face went blank. He flinched away from Bucky’s hand and seemed to try to protect the bear he was clutching away from Bucky. Steve wiped his face with a shaking hand. He took a shuddering breath and spoke.

“Sorry you got stuck checking on me. You should have made Sam come do it, he wouldn’t have minded. You can go. I’m fine.” Steve was speaking flatly, robotically. And that was the kicker wasn’t it? The other’s had to have seen bits of this, did they just believe Steve when he said he was okay? How long had this been going on? How long had Steve been hiding his sadness from the world?

“No one made me come, you scared me and I followed. What happened? They’ve poked at you for being a virgin before, why was this different?” Bucky had to know who had made Steve react this way.

Bucky wasn’t ready. He hadn’t prepared for the soul- broken look his words would make come across Steve’s face. Steve’s knuckles turned white where they clutched at the bear, his spine going ramrod straight. Steve was trying his hardest to hide his emotions but Bucky seemed to instinctively know what every twitch meant. 

“You think I’m a virgin. My Bucky- He-“ Steve coughed a sob and rubbed his hand over his face, fighting to speak through his emotions. “Bucky and I were together for as long as I can remember. He- he was the only person I’ve ever had sex with. I just- I wasn’t ready when you didn’t- I never even considered that you wouldn’t remember too. I wasn’t ready for HYDRA to take this from me too.” Steve’s voice was almost silent by the end, his eyes closed and his forehead resting on his knees. His whole body was shuddering trying to hold the tornado of emotions he was feeling inside. Bucky watched in stunned silence.

He had done this.

Bucky felt his entire world shift. The very ground under his feet seemed to move. Memories he had thought were planted were real. Kissing Steve under coney Island, holding Steve close during the frigid winter months, sucking him off till Steve couldn’t breathe. Was this all real?

“You, we, it’s real? Steve- I thought. I thought it was from them. They liked to- Steve I thought- oh, Steve.” Bucky’s own voice seemed to fail him. He wanted to hold Steve, he wanted to hold him until Steve stopped looking like he wanted to die. But he wasn’t sure he was allowed. Could Bucky have been making this worse than it had to be? “I thought it was something either I had made up to cope, or something they made me believe to shame me somehow. I didn’t- I didn’t know.”

Steve seemed to process Bucky’s admission and he frowned a little, holding the bear a little closer under his chin. Bucky was distracted from Steve’s face by the bear. He reached out slowly and tugged to see it. Steve let him, but kept holding it as if it was the only thing keeping him sane. Hell it probably was. Bucky gasped, the thing keeping Steve from actually falling apart in this moment was a stuffed bear that looked like him. Had Steve made this bear? It looked like it could have been from the 40s, had Steve found this? Stolen it from a museum?

“Is this me?” He looked up into Steve's eyes, unsure.

“It was his- yours? During the war. A bucky bear, the Smithsonian sent it to me.”

Bucky put his arms around Steve, gently, waiting for Steve to pull away or flinch. Steve stiffened for a moment before leaning into Bucky’s embrace. Neither knew where to go from here. Steve’s heart still felt like it had been trampled to death, Bucky’s felt like it wasn’t allowed the hope it was feeling. Steve settled in a little closer to Bucky, putting his arms around Bucky’s waist and letting his head rest on Bucky’s shoulder. Steve inhaled deeply, smelling the old spice of Bucky’s body wash and under that something just so Bucky that it made Steve want to cry all the more. It was a scent Steve never thought he would smell again, let alone have Bucky pull him in for a hug.

“I know that I trigger you, that you can’t be around me sometimes. But, on days you can, can we at least be friends? I don’t expect- god Bu-James, I just want to be near you again. I just- I’d like to not be alone all the time.” Steve spoke into Bucky’s shoulder, quietly, almost begging.  
How could Bucky have missed this? He knew Steve wasn’t doing well but he had no idea it was this bad. Did Steve not see that the team loved him, was his depression that bad? Bucky held Steve a little tighter, trapping the bear between them. Steve sighed and adjusted his own grip so that his hands were splayed out on Bucky’s back. Bucky could feel Steve’s heart slowing to a normal pace and his breathing evening out. How long had it been since anyone had held Steve like this? Bucky hadn’t seen the team hug Steve, or even slap him on the back. In realizing all of this Bucky forgot to answer, and Steve realized how tightly he was holding on. Steve jerked away as if Bucky were a scalding pan.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have taken advantage of the moment. You don’t owe me anything James.” Steve was petting the Bucky bear’s head aggressively. “You’ve done enough for me. God knows you’re the only reason I was even alive to get the serum. And I let all this happen to you as a thanks. You should go, the team is probably eating and missing you. I think- I’m just gonna take a shower and head to bed.”

“I don’t want to go.” Bucky blurted out before he could think twice. “ I just, I don’t know how to do this. I’m not ready to jump back into anything serious but I want to be near you. I’ve been trying to be around you more lately, but you always walked away. What do you want Steve?” Steve rested his head against the bears’ and sighed. Bucky waited for Steve to speak. Bucky knew he would wait years for Steve. 

“Has it ever mattered what I want?” His laugh was thick with tears.

“It does to me.” Bucky put his hand on Steve’s knee, and marveled at the warmth radiating off of him. Bucky rubbed his thumb over the inseam of Steve's pants and prayed to gods he didn't even believe in for Steve to open up, to say anything.

“I’d like to get to know you again. Share who I’ve changed into with you. I’m- I'm not ready for anything either but I do really miss sleeping with you. Maybe I could just sleep on your floor sometimes, or I- never mind.” Steve’s face grew more and more red as he spoke. Bucky could do that, he could give Steve a few nights of good sleep. He knew sleeping with Steve would probably help him now, too.

Bucky stood and pulled Steve up too, then pushed him onto the bed. Steve’s eyes grew large as he was manhandled onto his side. Bucky laid on his left side, hiding his arm away from Steve as he pulled Steve closer. Bucky wrapped his right arm over Steve’s stomach and laced their fingers together. Steve’s breath was ragged, matching Bucky’s as they shared this. For so long they both had been alone, no one to heal the hurt that was done to them. Yet this small act of kindness started something new. Like the first day of spring this moment promised growth and warmth. Steve wiggled a little and frowned.

“Where’s your arm?” He sat up and twisted to see Bucky had it hidden under his pillow. “If you aren’t comfortable with me touching it I understand, but I’d like to be held by both arms.” He spoke meeting Bucky’s eyes, his earnest face trying to convey the truth behind his words. Steve had always been a selfish bastard, it was part of why Bucky loved him so much.

Bucky pulled it out slowly. The afternoon sunlight catching on the golden lines and the black plates. The low whirr of the mechanics was loud now that they were both silent. Steve slowly reached out and traced the curve of Bucky’s bicep. He trailed his hand down to Bucky’s palm and then raised the palm to his mouth. Steve kissed it, then put his cheek so that Bucky was cradling Steve’s face. Bucky’s eyes stung and his breath caught in his chest.  
“I know we just said we would go slow. But you need to know that no matter what I love all of you. You did nothing wrong, and this arm is part of you so I love it too.”

Bucky wanted to kiss his golden man right then and there. But they had agreed to go slowly, and Bucky wasn’t ready for kissing yet. But the desire rooted itself deep in his belly. He leaned in and kissed Steve’s forehead. He brought his other hand to hold Steve’s face and kissed his forehead again before hugging Steve close. He whispered, quietly asking Steve to call him Bucky again. Suddenly he was home. His mind felt like the forest after a great storm had passed, broken but healing. They fell asleep holding each other close. They knew that the road ahead would be hard, but they would have each other.


End file.
